Tuning out, procrastination, attachment theory, fear of death, inability to connect, being theatrical, never finishing things. All threads come together.
First, the threads. And then I'll explain how they come together.
I am drawn to making things that are "canonical".
When I'm writing a post, I am imagining that it will finally be the post that people will start sharing with each other whenever topic X comes up. This is the pleasant part. The actual writing isn't; the actual writing is painful and annoying. But this bit at the beginning, "maybe I'll finally write something that will become CANON", pushes me again and again to write something.
I have noticed that when I'm writing a post to explain something specific to one specific person/audience, the process feels good and the post turns out to be better than any of the brainy/abstract/theory-of-everything posts I write. But still.
In a similar vein, I feel bad when people do things that are very definitely not forever. Seinfeld did a few episodes which were just a compilation of the best bits from its other episodes. It might have been tactically good for them and for their viewers — back in the '90s or whatever — but I can't relate to it. I am judging things from the "is it going to contribute to the CANON?" point of view.
Same with music, too. Making an album that at least has a chance to become a memorable jewel — I get it. Producing tons of techno tracks that all blend in together in some DJ's mix and are forgotten the next year — I feel bad about it. "But people enjoy it" doesn't make a difference either. I don't care. I can't stop feeling bad for people who don't create memorable jewels. (NB: in this argument, it doesn't matter whether my assumptions about techno are right, what matters is my reaction.)
I don't relax around people.
I like spending time with people — but I will likely be doing something the whole time. If we're walking outside and there are steps, I will jump down the steps and flap my arms a bit. If I'm talking to somebody, I will walk back and forth. If I'm in someone's apartment, I will peek into their fridge.
If I'm sitting in a coffee shop and talking to somebody, I will order a coffee. I will inspect the coffee. I will tap my fingers on the table. I will look around the coffee shop. I will look out of the window.
It's not like I want to relax but can't. I'm not even trying.
I don't want to solve my problems nearly as much as I want to figure out How I Solved Them and write posts that will help others do the same.
This is connected to Thread the First.
Solving things? Meh. Making myself happier? Meh. Doing something cool / something that lets me interact with others? Now we're talking.
I love tuning out. If there is any solitary activity, I will enjoy it only as long as I can tune out.
I love watching TV shows. I can binge Seinfeld or The Office for three days in a row. I almost never watch movies by myself, but TV shows — yes.
I love eating, I love riding electric scooters, I love watching chess streams on Twitch. I love singing along to songs. I love getting drunk.
I don't enjoy learning to play the piano. What for? I don't have anyone to play to, and the process itself is hard enough that I can't tune out. Chess is much better in this regard.
I have always been doing a lot of introspection. You know why? It's a great, absolutely great way to tune out. Same with playing any kind of roles or being theatrical. In fact, same with observing myself in general. I love watching my own face when I'm video calling with someone.
I don't enjoy "just existing".
Artemis (my other personality) does — read Create a separate personality for fun and profit for more details. I switch to Artemis and I feel like I don't have to achieve anything, talk to anybody, do anything. I switch back to myself and lose this feeling.
I feel rage and/or fear around people who do what they want, and around people who live for themselves.
I have always felt weird around aromantic people. "Wait, so you are just going to live your whole life without a partner? BY YOURSELF? Ugh."
I have felt actual rage when my back-then girlfriend started listening to noise music. I feel something similar when my sister listens to ASMR videos. "So you are going to just do something because it makes you feel good? THAT'S BAD."
If somebody is apologetic about indulging in something that makes them feel good, I don't feel rage. But otherwise I do.
I think all of these have a common explanation.
I thought I knew what the explanation was, when I started writing this post. But then I got drunk, looked at the threads, decided that maybe I don't know.
I noticed that Thread the Fifth, "I don't enjoy just existing", was particularly unexplainable. Artemis enjoys just existing. Why don't I?
So I switched to Artemis and she thought about it instead of me. Here's what she thinks.
The tragedy of Artyom's life is that he had people who genuinely cared about him like nobody else did — his parents — and he lost them. I never had parents in the first place. That's why I don't miss them. His feelings are not my feelings, etc.
Yes, his parent were annoying and had their issues. But his dad, for instance, was still the only person ever who made tea every evening out of caring, not just because "I'm making tea for myself, might be a nice thing to make it for Artyom as well".
Yes, there are friends and maybe they care. But most of the time they aren't there. Parents were always there. The tragedy is that Artyom rejected them at some point in the childhood, and never found other people who would like him unconditionally. No matter what, one thing about his parents was clear: they paid attention to him unconditionally.
Without parents, Artyom has to find unconditional attention elsewhere. The "canonical" thing from the beginning of the post is the clearest one: if you can come up with something that people will like you for forever, this is good. Temporary utility is of no value. Temporary things don't matter when the biggest thing you're missing is unconditional attention that you can always rely on. Until you get it, you don't need anything else.
The "just existing" thing is also easy: yeah, you aren't going to enjoy just existing when you've had unconditional attention at some point and rejected it.
The "rage around people who live for themselves" thing seems plausible: yeah, you are going to feel rage at people who explicitly aren't like your parents, i.e. have their own lives. The hallmark of one's parents is that they don't have their own lives.
The "tuning out" thing is also plausible: with such a big and everpresent tragedy, you have to tune out.
I don't know if this is the ultimate explanation. But I think it's a thing. I think it sucks to have unconditional attention at some point and then lose it.
My advice to Artyom: if you like others, eventually they will like you back enough that you won't feel like you're about to lose others and become alone.