Artyom Kazak/Sketches/21-03-13: I'm not getting anything out of it

21-03-13: I'm not getting anything out of it

I.

I mused out loud that I want to give someone a photo album ("Socialist Modernism in Ukraine").

My sister asked: "Are you trying to make people like you more by giving them things?"

I thought "if she's asking, it probably looks bad" and decided to propose a trade instead. Now I might be getting a Wes Anderson album in return. Nice.

II.

My sister has been living with me for a week. She's messy and there's nothing I can do about it. Also, yesterday she made popcorn and my whole apartment smelled horribly. So, I have been low-key annoyed the whole week.

III.

I give talks at conferences, and then nothing happens. I write a lot of posts, and then nothing happens.

I gave two lectures at the university I previously dropped out of, and then nothing happened. Recently I went to a podcast (ProConf), there were like 10 live viewers, and nothing happened.

In Krakow I went on several walks with people from Tinder, nothing happened.

I keep doing these and similar things, but I am not sure why.

IV.

The Last Psychiatrist once mentioned that 25-year-olds have a hypertrophied bullshit detector. It's not the same, but I think I have a good "I'm not getting anything out of it" detector — except that it fires so often that I have learned to ignore it.

I know I'm not getting anything when I scroll Twitter and half an hour later I am still feeling unsatisfied.

I know I'm not getting anything when I announce a new post. I know I'm not getting anything when I send out a Brick newsletter. When I fix a small design bug. When I pay taxes. When I buy insurance. When I write a status update in work Slack. When I write documentation and then (probably) nobody reads it later.

If a task in my todo-list has been rescheduled from "today" to "tomorrow" five times already, it's probably because I'm not getting anything out of it anyway.

V.

There are lots of things that I do, but (feel like) not getting anything out of them. Maybe even most things.

Many such cases.

I think this leads to a general feeling of dissatisfaction with life.

It also means that I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about not doing various tasks, especially various easy tasks. (Looks like I'm not the only one.)

VI.

There is one more thing.

Sometimes I feel excited about doing something, e.g. "I can fix a bug right here and now".

Then, instead of doing it, I add it to the todo-list, and since I'm actually not getting anything out of it anymore (the excitement is gone), I never do it.

So nowadays I'm not even filing small bugs. Why bother. They will either never get fixed, of if I overpower myself and fix them, I will just feel miserable. "I did another thing that I didn't get anything out of".

VII.

I think the solution to many problems in life is "seeing clearly". In this post, I have taken this problem and tried to see it clearly.

What now?

  1. There are ways to get something out of things more often. If I get a roommate, they can pay for food. If I give a talk, I can mention that I gave a talk during a job interview. A give-away can often be turned into a trade, even if I get something nominal in return.
  2. Recording "what did I get out of X?" will help, especially if I do it for a while and learn to notice such things better. Just somehow celebrating getting something out of things will also help. (See my thread about gifts for the other way round — making others feel like they are getting something out of things.)
  3. Listening to the "I don't get anything out of it" detector and acknowledging "yep, looks like I'm not getting anything out of it" will be good. If I do it, perhaps I will say "wait, I won't do this thing then", or "wait, let me see how I can get something out of it after all" or "wait, maybe I am getting something out of it, let me think again".
  4. I might do more things right when I feel excited about them. Fewer todo-list items, more doing things I like.
  5. "Nah, I'm not getting anything out of it" as a rejection justification. Just say it to people left and right.

This is my plan. I got something out of this post already, even without publishing it. I made it more clear for myself that this is a problem, made a plan, and this is a 5% step towards fixing it.